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The Hell take on metalcore in open letter

Posted by on August 28, 2014

We like UK hardcore band The Hell, and not just because of how they announced their signing to Prosthetic or their reactions to Upon a Burning Body and Death Grips’ publicity stunt and breakup, respectively. They also happen to have made a damn good record. But the attention-getting stunts are pretty great too, as the band continue to rile up other bands at their snotty best. In an open letter to metalcore that was published at Metal Hammer, frontman Nails got in touch with his inner David Draiman (who also communicates in all caps) and went on a rant about the subgenre of metalcore.

 

DEAR METALCORE,

JUST FUCK OFF.

I AM WRITING YOU THIS AS AN OPEN LETTER, NOT BECAUSE I AM TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY TO SAY IT TO YOUR FACE, BUT BECAUSE I COULDN’T FIND YOUR FUCKING ADDRESS IN THE YELLOW PAGES.

PLEASE STOP. NO ONE FUCKING CARES ANY MORE. IT’S DIFFICULT TO WORK OUT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT FROM ANYONE. I SAW A FEW METALCORE BANDS OVER THE SUMMER AND I’VE NEVER BEEN SO FUCKING FURIOUS IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. THESE GUYS GET UP ON STAGE, SHOUTING “WHICH OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS IS READY FOR A GOOD FUCKING TIME”, AND THEN PROCEED TO SCREAM EVERY DETAIL OF EVERY ROMANTIC FAILURE THEY’VE EVER HAD. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IT MATE. THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO DO WANT TO HEAR IT ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE INTERESTED IN SHIT LIKE CRYING AND FLOWERS.

A TIP FROM THE TOP THOUGH, IT WOULD BE EASIER TO STOMACH YOUR OVERLY-SENTIMENTAL, GROTESQUE CIRCUS OF HEARTBREAK IF YOU WEREN’T SELLING T-SHIRTS TO PRE-TEENS THAT LOOK LIKE SOME KIND OF SWEARY, MISOGYNIST VERSION OF ADVENTURE TIME.

YOU’RE CONFUSED, METALCORE. IT’S ALMOST UPSETTING. TAKE ‘ALONE’ BY FALLING IN REVERSE. IT’S CLASSIC METALCORE. VERSES ABOUT HOW YOU’RE SHAGGING MY HYPOTHETICAL WIFE, THEN A (BEAUTIFULLY SUNG) CHORUS ABOUT HOW YOU’RE FED UP OF BEING ALONE AND YOU MIGHT NOT MAKE IT HOME AND NO ONE’S ON THE PHONE AND DIAL TONE AND PAYDAY LOAN. JUST FUCK OFF.

SO METALCORE, TO AVOID FUTURE HEARTBREAK AND TO SPARE US ANY MORE METALCORE ALBUMS – STOP BEING SUCH A CUNT.

YOURS SINCERELY (AND WE ARE ALWAYS SINCERE),

NAILS

THE HELL

He is spot on about the shirts – we don’t have to give you a list of dumb, offensive t-shirts, even though many of the ones we’ve written about are from deathcore bands. Falling In Reverse haven’t commented, nor are they likely to.

[via theprp]

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