Headbangers’ Brawl is a weekly column where Metal Insider’s Bram and Zach take a moment to debate and analyze two opposing sides of a topical issue occurring in the world of metal and/or the music industry.
If you’re anything like us, your Facebook feed and blog reading had an uninterrupted flow of “My First Hardcore Song,” in which 8 year-old Juliet implored you to “open up the pit.” That’s so yesterday though. Now label Robotic Empire brought our attention to “Death Metal Daughter,” in which 2 1/2 year old River shrieks over some music by Cannabis Corpse’s Phil “Landphil” Hall and Josh “Hallhamer” Hall. We’ll get back to debating things that matter next week, but today, we thought we’d ask the important and timely question: Which of these two girls are more metal?
Bram: River is more metal by far. Listen to that set of pipes she’s got on her. She’s like 1/3rd the age of Juliet. The video is cute and funny, and stops before it wears out its welcom. It’s not super professional, like the other one, which was literally filmed like a music video. I think River kills it. At the end of the day though, it’s almost a draw, ‘cuz I’d be proud to call either one of them my daughter.
Zach: Nothing against 2 1/2 year old River, but Juliet is far more metal and hardcore. Hands down! She may be only 8 years old, but Juliet can out windmill any frontman (hey Killswitch Engage, we know you’re more metalcore than hardcore, but we might have found you a new singer!). And I can honestly say that I still break out in laughter every time I hear her say “get your two step on!”
Bram: I’m just not quite feeling Juliet. The thing is, it’s almost too professional. Her parents made her work and write lyrics and make a video. It’s all pretty cute, but I feel like they might be pushing her a little too hard. The other video is a little more silly, but natural. I don’t want to say that Juliet (who’s wearing an I <3 Phuket t-shirt) is going to be in Revolver’s “hottest chicks in metal” issue 10 years from now, but I could see things going that way. Not to mention, who the hell is Rob Sharpe? We’ve at least heard of Cannabis Corpse. River is way more cvlt than that in my opinion.
Zach: The fact that Juliet’s video looks like it actually could have been a hardcore video is half the reason why it’s awesome. Sure, River’s video is cute and spliced together nicely, but chances are the video was made out of a bunch of random homemade video clips. The fact that Juliet and her mom (and by the way, pretty sure Rob Sharpe is a producer/family friend of theirs) actually put some effort into making this video and song makes it all the better, in my opinion.
But let’s be honest. We know who the real winner this week is: the girl who got serenaded by Mike Patton.