We should have gotten around to this last week, because it’s so amazing, but this transcends time. If you’ve ever tried to sell anything on the internet, particularly through Craigslist, you know how difficult it can be to attract serious buyers. But one person in Manhattan is not helping his or herself by narrowing down prospective buyers to only those that promise that they are worthy. The $400 1984 Ibanez DT350 X Series in question is, according to the seller, a “REAL METAL GUITAR,” and therefore should not only be used for playing music of the same quality, but is implied to actually not even be capable of playing anything but. Particularly – according to the seller – “boring doom metal.”
Apparently, this guitar is so high quality, that the seller can’t even bring themselves to allow to sell it to anyone other than someone who they deem worthy of wielding such an axe. As this obvious true guitar guru states, this masterpiece of a musical instrument is “serious as shit” and was “crafted by the ancient Japanese wizards.” It can only be wielded by someone who intends to play “80s metal perfectly,” as it was clearly designed. Those bands include “Kreator, Motorhead, maybe some Venom, Judas Priest, Randy Rhodes (but if you want to play Randy Rhodes you should buy a Randy Rhodes you scum).”
Apparently, the guitar is also able to be played for songs by Megadeth and Motley Crue, no matter how much of a poser may actually attempt such a feat: “This guitar will be perfect for playing in a Motley Crue cover band (but you don’t though because you don’t have the chops.” So apparently, the only person worthy enough to even attempt to play this masterpiece is Mick Mars, and only Mick Mars.
However, being the true guardian of the strings that this seller is, don’t expect to be able to actually purchase it if you don’t meet the proper criteria. Rule number one: “THIS GUITAR WILL NOT PLAY DOOM METAL.” Why? Because, “This guitar needs GOOD RIFFS and not BORING doom riffs… DON’T PLAY SHOEGAZE WITH THIS GUITAR” So clearly, this matchmaker just wants to make sure that the guitar winds up in the right home with the right person to take care of it properly.
If you still think you can take this bad boy home, think again. Because “If you own a fender or gibson and want to upgrade, I can’t sell this to you… I can only sell this to you are really read to rock. If your only amp is a practice amp or fender twin, you shouldn’t buy this guitar. If you have a Marshall fullstack in your bedroom, THEN THIS GUITAR IS FOR YOU.” Well then, I guess this doesn’t narrow it down too much, since that describes just about every American.
That all being said, don’t think you can get away with buying this godfather of all stringed instruments even if you don’t plan on using it for anything other than “REAL METAL.” Because clearly, this trained professional is aware of all the red flags and tells of a terrible guitar owner: “If you say you are ready to buy this guitar and show up to buy it wearing a Mastodon shirt, I can’t sell it to you.” The final requirement even comes down to your own personal tastes in music: “If your favorite band is Black Sabbath I can’t sell this guitar to you.”
OK, in all seriousness, the Black Sabbath comment alone breaks all common principle. While this true gem of an E-seller’s market flyer has sadly been removed, our colleagues over at metalsucks.net were quick enough to get a screen capture of this posting so that it may live on forever in all of it’s douchebag-soaked glory. It’s unclear whether or not this mastermind of true guitar technique and appreciation was successful in his sale, but hopefully whoever bought it revealed that they were wearing a Mastodon shirt underneath their hoodie or coat after the transaction was completed. Do you think he even got a pack of smokes for all of the trouble he had to go through?